undo my resolve
Last year, I was engrossed in the book The Personal Librarian. This book is a fictionalized account of Belle Da Costa Greene, a Black woman who disguised herself as white in order to navigate the social constructs of her time while working in New York City as a librarian for J.P. Morgan in the early 1900s.
The author writes from Belle, the main character's point of view. Pulling from a line in the book, I’m going to share my thoughts with you.
Setting the scene, Belle is hesitant about meeting up with a man she loves romantically, but knows she shouldn't. (Ever been there before? Lol) He reluctantly leaves a poem on her desk at the library where she works. And after reading the carefully written lines, she puts down the paper and remarks: "his words undid my resolve."
Her resolve was to say no to him… to not go on another date with him.
She was set on saying no.
But his words changed her mind… convinced her otherwise. So, there she went.
My Undoing
I think of a moment I had with my friend over the phone. I was battling insecurity and incongruence in my personal life. Navigating growing up and post-grad life is a myriad of emotions and perspectives that can be bewildering at times.
Trying to figure out how to show up in certain spaces, unsure of how to walk the tension between being myself—a young 24-year-old—and maturing to the standards society sets.
Whether it was professional spaces or just hanging with friends…I found myself perplexed.
Not measuring up. Feeling like I failed even when I tried my best.
It was tough because I would find myself metaphorically pacing back and forth. I'd jump from being myself freely and then presenting a version of myself that couldn't bear the thought of rejection. Rejection. That's what it was. I was feeling rejected, even though I know what God says - even what my beautiful friends say - that they accept me.
My fingers gripped onto my phone as I vulnerably shared what was enveloping my mind, mustering up every detail I could of the situation at hand and what I was feeling inside. And my heart gripped even stronger onto the words they spoke back to me. Words of confidence, boldness, and courage filled my bones. Unlocked something within me– unashamed honesty. I needed to bring honesty and the truth of myself to every conversation I was in… and let go of the shame or outcome in the process of it.
I could be accepted or not… but, I am not looking for an outcome.
I'm looking to live an audaciously honest life - bold for the Kingdom.
Unashamed because I'm held by the love of my Savior–my king.
Words That Undo Our Resolve
This phrase from Belle and these conversations make me think about how I want friends, relationships, and people in my life who undo the toxic thoughts my mind finds itself in.
I desire conversations that shift the way I see… that impact my decisions to help me live a life of intelligence, focus, determination, one laced with hard work, and driven by clear convictions.
The Weight of Words
The phrase:
“Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words can never hurt you”
…is one I heard growing up. I understand now how that phrase couldn’t be further from the truth.
The weight of words clearly holds elements of both healing and hurt by the strong connection proverbs 18:21 makes.
“The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.” Proverbs 18:21
The sobering reality is that we must come to terms with life and death… that days pass from one to the next. Some seem normal, but then losing one thing could mean the changing of everything.
When I consider Proverbs 18:21, I think about how the very words that spill from our lips hold such weight, such power…they create the very forms of life and death itself.
Just as words can mean death, how much more can they mean life, and life more abundantly?
How much more could words bring the healing salve that changes the way we see?
The way we see ourselves… others… all could be healed by a simple perspective shift.
Control and What Really Matters
I learned that I was concerned with the wrong things. The uncontrollable.
What I can control:
The way I show up
My attitude
The condition of my heart and spirit
A heart that won’t lead with bitterness or unyielding emotions but will lead with soul-penetrating understanding and gentleness.
What I cannot control:
People’s responses
Their opinions
Their acceptance
As my friend spoke what I needed to hear, the key began to turn. The unlocking that I needed…
undid my resolve.
Words of life undid my resolve to live scared, in the fear of what others would think. Truth undid my resolve to walk into every space smaller than the God who made me. They gave me courage and undid my resolve to be scared to have certain conversations to make others comfortable and leave myself squeamish. It undid my resolve to contemplate every conversation and replay it over and over, tearing myself apart for not responding how I should.
I've resolved to magnify God - to make him big. To make my fears small. To ponder conversations to move forward with strength and improvement. To bring understanding, not shame or self-deprecation. I resolve to let His word wash over me again and again:
"Fearing people is a dangerous trap, but trusting the LORD means safety." Proverbs 29:25
"The wicked flee when no one is pursuing them, but the righteous are as bold as a lion." Proverbs 28:1
These are verses I’ve kept in the safe of my heart for a long time, yet they continue to take their time to seep into the depths of my being. Isn’t that how a garden forms, first? With tiny seeds that eventually sprout into glorious fruits and trees, just as Proverbs 18:21 talks about?
Let Words of Life Undo Your Resolve
We all have phrases we’ve resolved to be controlled by— the question is, will you choose to live by words that bring life or death? Will you choose to repeat those same patterns and push your projections onto others?
Let words of life undo your resolve to not care about things that come as quickly as they'll pass.
Let words of life undo your resolve not to steward your soul because it's easier than facing the ugliest parts of your upbringing.
Let words of life break down your resolve to cling to pride.
Let words of life break down the dams in your soul, storing up junk that keeps you from healthier perspectives… healthier dreams… healthier ways of seeing life and others.
Let honey be the thing that sticks to the most broken parts of you and soothes them, putting you back together like the masterpiece that Jesus calls you.
“How sweet are your words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth!” — Psalm 119:103
”For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.” Ephesians 2:10
Two Paths Lie Before Us
The truth is life’s brevity should sober us to what matters. The weight of words… the weight of death… how do we use our voices?
Do we use words as weapons?
Or as worship?
God longs to fill the earth with metaphorical gardens of beauty, wonder, and awe from the fruit that spills from our lips.
Though perspectives may come that try to shape my mind into one that sees the dark more than the light… I've resolved. I resolve to let God's word be the ultimate resolve of all the junk that tries to stick to me like glue. I resolve to invite trusted friends into what's going on.
All of me is stripped away and truly found when I let the words of Jesus, the ones that created life itself, and the words of those who follow the Author of Life faithfully, be the ones my mind clings to.
“Some people make cutting remarks, but the words of the wise bring healing.” Proverbs 12:18
One More Step of Faith
I’m taking one more step today on this faith journey—one I hope you’ll take too.
I can think before I speak. I can leverage my strengths and lean on God where I feel weak. I'm on the journey of knowing how to communicate clearly and honestly. I'm learning to let my resolve be undone by the words of those that matter to me.
And so it can be for you. Allow His word to wash over your heart. Experience the resounding unlock to the doors of bondage that have kept you quiet. Know that it takes time to rewire the words you’ve heard all your life. But freedom will come. Let freedom be yours. But, don't let it stop there. Be an avenue of freedom for others.
Speak life, not death, and watch a garden of life begin to form in the depths of who you are becoming.
Journal prompts:
1. What are some death-phrases you’ve been speaking lately? Maybe it’s fear about a situation, complaining, or unkind words about yourself or those you love. Write down some life-giving phrases from the Bible to replace them.
2. Write a prayer asking God to help you speak words of life and teach you what that looks like.
3. Write about a time when the words someone spoke brought healing to your soul.
4. Write a prayer asking God to give you the opportunity to speak life and encourage someone you know.