i took redemption for granted

my last post “let the restorer in” inspired this next one. 

what about the times when I didn’t let the restorer in?
what about the times when i experienced redemption yet took it for granted? 

when coming up for the cover art for a different poem, i was scrolling past endless amounts of videos and pictures, trying to pick the most compelling one I could find to poignantly capture the message I was trying to display. 

tears began to stream down my face. i found many photos of me as a child with my friends. 

if you ever want to humble yourself and remind the little person in you that they matter — just look at old photos of yourself. a love for little me began to fill my heart instead of the pressure I put on myself to perform on a day-to-day basis.

sometimes the little kid in me just needs to be soothed and simply told “hey, i see you. slow down. i’m still proud of you.” 

another photo catches my eye. click. zoom. i notice another person in the picture and i remember what i did to them. the way i hurt them. feelings of betrayal and hurt began to bubble up. not because they betrayed me, but because I betrayed them. 

at the time of this betrayal, this was me. fully into the restoration process, being redeemed by Christ, walking through healing — seeing healing take place in my heart. delivered from addiction. yet, still being the villain in someone else’s story. 

still taking for granted the grace i freely received. a kid i was when i was 17. and a kid i was in this photo as a 21 year old. little me was still running rampant making hasty decisions for my own benefit. i’d let the restorer in… but that didn’t compare to the weight of my sinful decisions. 

what point am i trying to make? restoration is a process. there are people you hurt along the way. freedom comes at a cost and sometimes it’s at other’s expense. and it hurts. man, it hurts. to know you hurt someone when you shouldn’t. to receive love when you know deep down you don’t deserve it. 

friends, no quick fixes here. just the slow, sizzling, chiseling hands of the potter who molds us and makes us in His image through a real relationship with him. 

so, what did i do after i hurt this person? i owned my actions. said my sorry’s and goodbye’s and picked myself back up again. alone. back to square one. but it wasn’t not square one… i was a new me and it was a new chapter where i had a choice to make — to stay stuck or to let the restorer in once again. 

close off your heart to the past. to the pain you’ve caused others. to the grievances you’ve committed even against yourself. grow forward. pick up the pen again. process your trauma and let God’s love and mercy be what you allow yourself to sink in. don’t let bitterness or regret keep you from who you were always meant to be. 

you may take redemption for granted along the way. but don’t let another day pass without repentance — a heart that truly wants to change.